Trust, dear child

Trust.

I can hear God telling me this over and over again.  Why can it be so hard for me to trust Him?  I know He will take care of me.  When has He not?  I remember reading in the diary of St. Faustina a few years ago when Jesus asked her if His death on the cross was not enough for her to trust Him.  That got me.

Jesus, I trust in you.

Anytime a big decision comes up or I have this unanswered desire, I can hear God telling me to trust Him.  Right now is one of those times.  Craig and I are trying to find a house in Lincoln.  We had one we thought we were going to buy, but now we are rethinking our budget on our house.  Ultimately, we both want for me to be able to stay home with our kids.  One area where we can choose to sacrifice right now is the amount we spend on a home.  I feel so selfish, spoiled, and child-like saying I want both a nice house and to be able to stay home — it doesn’t have to be so nice, but just a house we can make a home.  Having both just isn’t a reality right now in this present moment.  I know God has placed this desire to stay home on my heart.  It is a good and holy desire.  But for some reason He isn’t calling me to that right now.  If He is, He will make it happen.

I was looking up more about what Jesus had said to St. Faustina on trust, and I found this on the Divine Mercy website (http://www.thedivinemercy.org/message/spirituality/trust.php):

In the Diary of St. Faustina, we hear Our Lord reminding us that we can depend upon His love … that He alone is worthy of our trust: I never reject a contrite heart (1485). Sooner would heaven and earth turn into nothingness than would My mercy not embrace a trusting soul (1777).

But there is more to trust than just believing that God is trustworthy. We have to act upon that belief. Trust involves a turning back to God, a real conversion of our whole lives to God, repenting of our sins and forgiving others. Trust is a living faith.

Whenever I come to these moments where I feel like God is inviting me to trust Him in a deeper way, I know He is teaching me to trust Him more.  He is inviting me to act upon the belief of trusting Him — to turn to Him, to have a deeper conversion of my life to Him, to repent and to forgive.  In the waiting, I can give more of my life — my desires, my hopes — to Him.  He can transform my selfish and proud heart to a more child-like, humble, and grateful heart.

Lord, I do trust in you.  Thank you for being so trustworthy.  Help me where I am failing to trust you.  I give you my desires and my hopes.  I know you know what is best for me and my family and that you want what is best for us more than I do.  I pray that you may transform my heart, Lord.  Transform my heart into a selfless, trusting, and grateful heart that is fixed on You.

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